The Pussy that Transcends All Genres: Hello Kitty

What is this? Why, it’s a guest post by JHYPE friend, Jasmine! – van

Hello Kitty. At a glance, she’s a black outline of a cat with six whiskers, two beady black eyes, a little button nose – and no mouth.

The official word from Sanrio is that Hello Kitty speaks from the heart; and as Sanrio’s global ambassador, she is not bound by language.*

Beyond that, there’s no pinning her down; she’s been everything from princess to witch to black egg (hello, Hakone!) and sumo. She has travelled all around the world, and even beyond.

Her merchandising is possibly even more diverse than Kitty-Chan herself. According to the London Times, there’s an estimated 12,000 Hello Kitty items on the market, with some 600 new items introduced each year.

Over the years, I’ve owned just a relatively tiny number of Hello Kitty products.

I’ve had slippers, a mobile phone cover, two t-shirts, a handbag, a couple of stuffed toys (one Marilyn Monroe kitty from Universal Studios Japan, the other a Hello Kitty in a kiwi outfit – picked up in NZ), a whole lot of keychains picked up while travelling in Japan, a purse, a photo album, chopsticks, a daily planner, writing paper, pencils, pens, stickers, storage cans, fridge magnets … and who knows what else.

All this, and I’m not even a huge fan – just someone who happened to live in Japan and therefore absorbed some of the kitty love.

And yet, there’s so much more to the machine that is Hello Kitty merchandising. Here’s a quick glance at some of the more unusual, extreme, and absurd stuff.

Use your Hello Kitty MasterCard debit card to buy Hello Kitty electrical goods – fridge, radio, vacuum cleaner, toaster, laptops/desktops, waffle irons, television … you get the picture (horrible pun not intended). If it’s in your house, it’s available with Hello Kitty’s face on it.

Come to think of it, so are cars. And if you don’t like the make of the car with Kitty’s face … well why not just personalise your own? (I’m pretty sure this is fake, but I could be wrong! – van)

Condoms. There’s really nothing more to say, is there? Except that you can store your Hello Kitty condoms in a Hello Kitty condom holder. Zing!

While you’re picking up your condoms, might as well pick up your pads, too.

You’ll be needing those if the condoms do their job. Er … and if you’re female.

A Kitty house. Hello Kitty tarot cards! Your future is … cute.

The Hello Kitty vibrator. Okay, it’s called a “personal massage wand”, but we all know what it really is.

If you think that’s rude, just go ahead and google Katy Perry + Hello Kitty. Hell, for something especially obscene, google Paris Hilton + Hello Kitty. But don’t say I didn’t warn you.

In case the woman in your life puts accessorizing before her own safety … now she can accessorise her gun with her Hello Kitty handbag!

Or she can just mix and match her handguns and rifles. Whatever.

This one takes the cake for just … I dunno. Pointless. Because who is going to enjoy it other than your dentist?

And you know your dentist isn’t going to enjoy it, ’cause dentists are heartless sadists and therefore totally uninclined to go for the cute, know what I’m saying?

I did once hear tell of a Hello Kitty themed fetish room in a love hotel, but I was never able to chase it up. (found it! – van)

Finally, if you’ve ever wondered why Hello Kitty doesn’t have a mouth – and want to disregard Sanrio’s line on her mouthlessness:

It’s because she looks stupid with a mouth.

*I’m sure I read somewhere that she went mouthless as the seemingly blank expression works across the board, so to speak. She can evoke poise, surprise, cuteness, humour – because her mouth isn’t giving her away. I can’t for the life of me remember where I read this.